CNN has a story about a girl who sent 303,000 text messages one month. My initial thought was "someone is making this up", but the piece showed the phone bill with the total number of messages (303,396). The story claimed that she was a straight-A student who also has a full time job.

Sorry. Still not buying it. The longest month of the year has 31 days. 31 days = 2,678,400 seconds. 2,678,400 seconds divided by 303,396 messages equals 8.8 seconds per message. I have no issue with being able to send a text message in 8.8 seconds. Most of them are probably LOL or I NO RITE.

The problem is keeping up that pace. You'd have to send a text every 8.8 seconds for the entire month without any breaks to hit that number. Without sleep. Without food. Without anything that requires the use of hands. Without, more than likely, working a full time job, unless she somehow got a job texting.

Not possible.

More than likely: 303,396 includes received texts, and this girl gets a shitload of spam, probably cause she signed up for free ringtones or some stupid thing that teenagers do. It's also likely that the billing cycle isn't one month, or that the phone company simply dicked them over.

The sad thing is that the girl claims it's because she's super-popular. If that's what serves as popularity these days, that's really sad. It used to be that popular people were seen around town with their friends. Now I guess they just text them 100,000 times a month.

This image takes up one quarter of the front page of the company who does my hosting:

I know there are a lot of smart, tech-savvy ten year olds out there, but I don't want them working tech support for my hosting company.

The Celtics-Bulls series is tied at 1. It could easily be Chicago 2-0 or Boston 2-0, but it's split heading back to the midwest. I think the Bulls have a pretty decent shot at winning because of all of the injuries that Boston has to deal with. I could talk about how well Rose and Gordon have played in the first two games, but I'm not going to, because if you wanted that, you could just head over the ESPN and read about it. Instead, I'm going to talk about how, if you are a Bulls fan, you should be embarrassed about Jo Noah.

This much credit I will give him: he hustles, and with that hustle he ends up doing much more on the court than his talent alone would do. That may sound like a backhanded compliment but it's not. He's rail thin and has limited skill, but he's succeeded thus far because he tries like hell and has enough skill to produce results.

He's also the most irritating player I've watched in a long time.

Set aside how goofy he looks, or the fact that despite his parents fortune, they never paid for orthodontics. The guy never shuts up, from one end of the floor to the other. Trash talking, pointing fingers, making gestures... that's all fine if you're one of the best players in the league, but he's not. Then there's the fact that he commits an offensive foul on almost every offensive possession. Seriously, watch him. Every time he's asked to set up a screen on someone, it's a moving screen (illegal). On rebounds, he constantly pushes people out of the way (foul) or goes over the back (again, foul). When he's finally called for it, he gives the ref a look of incredulity.

The other thing Bulls fans should be slightly embarrassed about is all of the guys at the end of the bench in warmups who jump around every time the starters hit a jump shot. Fellas, you look like a 15-seed in the NCAA tournament hoping your squad pulls off a first-round upset. Give it up.

Long time, no Musical Monday, so here it is. Ayumi Hamasaki's "Evolution", from the album "I am..."

There need to be more songs like this.

Friday afternoon, right before I left work, my boss and a co-worker came into my office and declared, in an Apollo 13 sort of voice, that we had a problem. A big problem. The co-worker was pretty confident, having looked at the code, that no one had ever did cross-product testing with our latest release, shipped six months ago, against the Japanese version of our target app. I was 100% that we did, so I protested, and set about trying to locate the results of that testing. Luckily, we sell to a regulated industry, so we have to keep records of everything we do, and it's not too difficult to find stuff, even from ten years ago, if you know where to look. I found the results doc and announced, "Here it is right here." I popped it open and began reading the results for each test case, all of which said, "Passed. Executed against English because Japanese isn't working."

Oi.

Yeah, we have a test that specifically tests against Japanese, but Japanese wasn't working, so rather then enter a bug for it, the person ran it against English and said everything was OK. I have no idea why anyone would do this. I was literally silent for more than a minute trying to come up with a justification for it. I couldn't think of one.

The good news is that our customers are just as stupid as we are. The two customers who shouted and shoved and pushed and berated us until we said that we'd support Japanese... made the decision not to use Japanese until a unified codebase was available for the target app. So after sitting on conference call after conference call and getting about 100 e-mails about how we just had to support Japanese or these contracts weren't going through and they were going to our competitor... they don't even use the thing.

Hurr.

I am writing this post on my stolen laptop.

On Saturday morning some dude called my parents' house and told them that some other dude had found my laptop in a snowback in Cambridge, and that dude had given it to his wife, who gave it to this other dude, who found my resume on the laptop and contacted my parents, then gave it to another dude who lived near my parents so that I could pick it up. I went to his house and got his from his wife. I think that's the chain of ownership. The message was a bit hazy.

So, I guess the lesson is that it pays to have a really crappy laptop with a visible damage to it, because when it gets stolen, the thieves can't resell it, and they'll throw it to the side of the road. The tough part is getting someone to find it and return it to you.

After copying the stuff off it that I needed, I wiped it and installed Fedora 10. This'll piss thieves off even more.

"What the fuck is this shit? It ain't even got Windows on it!"

"Of course we are concerned about the safety of our assets. To be honest, I'm a little bit worried. I would like to call on the United States to honor its words, stay a credible nation and ensure the safety of Chinese assets."

Response: Fuck you, asshole.

I got the following in my tri-weekly e-mail from the GOP:

President Obama and Liberal Democrats in Congress don't seem to grasp the fact that since the Democrats took total control in Washington, the stock market has lost over 20% of its value.

Aside from that number being made up, I think they've grasped the fact that the economy is still in the dumper. Here's what Republicans haven't grasped:

Dow Opening After Bush Inauguration: 10,581.90
Dow Closing On Bush's Last Day In Office: 8281.22
% Drop In Dow Over Bush's Two Terms: 21.7 %

Dow High During Bush Presidency: 13,191.49
Dow Closing On Bush's Last Day In Office: 8281.22
% Drop In Dow From High To Last Day In Office: 37.2 %

Down Opening After Obama Inauguration: 8279.63
Down Closing This Afternoon: 7,170.06
% Drop In Dow Over Obama's Term: 13.4%

The Republicans hate it when you do math!

Two weeks in a row that I can't find my kneepads, and this time I think I figured out why. They were in my Sierra Club backpack along with a pair of socks and an iPod. I'm pretty sure Douchebag Thief took the bag along with everything else.

For some reason a commercial for Hungry Hungry Hippos entered my head today, and it let me to think about board game commercials, specifically from the 80s. Every single board game commercial that I can think out invariably ended with some kid shouting out "I WIN!" at the end. I noticed this even when I was younger, and my friends and I would often make fun of the kids in those commercials. Thinking about it now from a psychological perspective... did marketers determine that kids watching the commercial would relate to the "winner" and in doing so desire the game? Was it essential to show that the game could be won? Why was it necessary to have a kid wildly gesticulating after a game of Connect Four? Is this really what sold the product?

So I'm getting ready for volleyball tonight when I catch a faint glimpse of blue lights out the window. I walk to the window and the police have both ends of the road blocked off. I go looking for kneepads, but they aren't anywhere in the apartment, so I go out to check the car. There are four cops at the end of my driveway. "How's it going?" I ask. They ask me if there's any reason why someone would go into my backyard. "Other than to break into my apartment, like they did Friday night? None that I can think of," I answer. "By the way, feel free to go back there if you need to."

I start rooting around in my car, and another officer asks if I can go inside for a few minutes. Because they have the K9 unit and any additional smells might confuse him. So I go back inside and the dog works a path around one side of my house all the way to the other, and then he and the cop disappear. I wait about ten minutes, and then it's time to go, so I head outside. "Did you get him?" I ask. "Oh yeah," says the cop, "He was hiding underneath a car." I let out a long "Niiiiiiiiice," and then mention that if he's the dude who took my stuff (unlikely) I want it back. It was a different cop, so I don't think he had any idea what I was talking about.

I have to go to the police station to get a copy of the police report for Visa theft insurance, at which time I'll ask if what happened with the dude. I seriously doubt he's stupid enough to come back again, but then again, people call 9-1-1 when McDonald's runs out of nuggets, so who knows.

Found my tools. They were in the car. Apparently I left them there after the flat tire. So I have my tools. But unnoticed was a giant container of pennies stolen by the thief. They might pay for a crack rock, but probably not.

I might get some of money back, since all of the Wii stuff was purchased within 90 days, but I'm not holding my breath. We'll see.

Douchebag stole the old camera, the one that fell into the hot springs and so the flash doesn't work right, but left the new camera. It was hiding behind a stack of CDs. If I had not taken pictures of booze for Blotto and forgot to put it back in its place, it would have been swiped.

Came home last night and the front door wouldn't open... because the chain was on the latch. I think you can guess where this is going. Because the door mechanism is substandard, I was able to remove the chain from the latch from the outside and gain access to my apartment. The place had been tossed. Stolen: laptop, GBA, Wii (plus all games and accessories), toolbox, stereo receiver, two cameras, and a box of change (nickels and quarters). Probably more, I just haven't discovered it missing yet. Police arrived, we found handprints on the window where they came in, but the thief was wearing gloves. Another cop came by with information about an identical forced entry a mile or so up the street. According to them, there haven't been many break-ins recently, and this is probably someone looking for stuff to sell quick. They'll keep an eye out at the pawn shops, but more than likely this stuff is gone for good.

The only thing I am remotely worried about is the laptop. There's quite a lot of personal stuff on there, not only financial stuff, but personal stuff... stuff that I don't want other people looking at or ending up somewhere public. Hopefully because this was a smash-and-grab, they'll wipe it and sell it, or toss it when they notice that the laptop screen is about 25% dead pixels.

In the meantime, I'm forced to change every damned Internet password I can think of, and now I'm heading to the bank to take out a chunk of change before asking them to replace my cards (I still have them but at this point I consider them comprimised).

I went to the urologist, who confirmed that I have a 5 mm stone in my left kidney. HOWEVER, the stone is not responsible for the pain I keep whining about, because it's not affecting the function of the kidney nor is the kidney enlarged. It's just a muscle strain, and finding the stone was orthogonal. It's small enough that he's willing to let it stay there and monitor it. Conversation went something like this:

PEE GUY: It's in a good spot in that it's a good candidate 
for EWSL, but I don't think that's necessary right now.  We can 
do that if you choose, or we can continue to monitor it to see 
if it moves or gets larger.  It may pass spontaneously, or it 
may cause a blockage, at which point we'll need to intervene.

ME: If it passes spontaneously, I imagine that will hurt.

PEE GUY: Oh, yes, very much so.

ME: And if it's a blockage?

PEE GUY: That will hurt, too.  You'll be in the emergency room if 
that happens.

ME: So the benefit of leaving this alone is what?

PEE GUY: Well, it's a medical procedure.  Some people prefer to 
just let it pass on its own.  Here's some literature.  Think about 
it for a few days.

Um, yeah. I thought about it for a few milliseconds. Let's bust the fucking thing up already. I deal with enough pain already as it is.

Anyway, blood tests to follow, and then a 24-hour urine collection (just like Howard Hughes!).

Addendum: An examination of the twig and berries revealed that everything down there is fine, thank you.

I found out today that I have a kidney stone. This is good news, as it means I am due for random, short bursts of excruciating pain, rather than something worse, like renal failure or kidney cancer. I will find out on Friday how big it is and what course of action will be taken. Given the length of time that I had a dull pain in the area, I am betting it will be on the larger side, but we'll see. If they give me photos, I will post them, so as to join the Sonogram Club which become popular on LJ as of late.

From that bastion of fine journalism, the New York Post:

I don't normally make a big deal of this sort of stuff, mostly because I think people tend to go looking for racism where it doesn't exist... but this is seriously fucking racist. It's so completely racist that even if the person who drew it wasn't racist, every other set of eyes that fell on it should have caught it before it went to print. This is completely indefensible.

You have been invited to join a sports league or similar recurring weekly after-work event that requires commitment. It sounds like fun. You are about to reply and let the organizer know that you are interested. You probably fall into one of the following two categories:

(1) When someone tries to schedule something on the same weeknight as your event, you make an attempt where possible to change it to another day, knowing that it's not possible to do this every time.
(2) When someone tries to schedule something on the same weeknight as your event, you go ahead and schedule it and then tell the organizer that you can't make it.

If you're in the second category, here is my advice: DON'T FUCKING BOTHER. I would put that in really big bold letters and surround it with a blink tag, but I don't think that you need that much emphasis for me to get my point across.

We are playing in a volleyball league this winter. The same four people show up every week, and the remaining six people show up when they feel like it, and send out e-mails the day of the event saying they can't make it. We have played a total of one match with a full complement of six players, and it was the only time we had two girls available to play (which is a rule for this coed league). We have plenty of fun getting our asses kicked (seriously), but it's a little bit irritating when we start every game down 5-0 because of roster penalties, and it's seriously fucking irritating when people on the roster ask how we did the next day and then swear up and down that they're going to make it next week.

Don't fucking bother.

Oh, here's one more piece of advice. When people are volunteering to referee a game, and you think they made a mistake, you might think about calmly talking to them about it, but it's definitely a better idea to just shut your mouth instead of shouting at the person who made the call. You look like a douche, especially when you're up 17-4.

"When members of the Conservative Working Group held their weekly strategy meeting on the Hill on Tuesday morning, they were joined by none other than Joe "the Plumber" Wurzelbacher, who had come to offer his thoughts on the economic recovery bill."

I went to the dentist today and was filled with rage. It had nothing to do with my teeth.

I walked into the dentist's office, and there was a baby lying in the middle of the floor. A quick glance revealed a woman there with her son, and since the baby was ten feet away, I immediately discerned that this was the kind of woman who, having entered a space, occupies the entire space as she sees fit. Sure enough, it wasn't long before the baby had crawled around into the receptionist area and was trying to get into the file cabinets.

That's fine. I can't imagine letting my baby roam free in a dentist's office, but I've never had kids so I'm not going to get all uppity about that. It was, however, the tip of the iceberg.

The woman spoke at a volume that was two or three times louder than acceptable for a quiet indoor setting. The kid and the baby were both relatively quiet, and there was no noise to speak of, so there was no need for her to talk that loud. She was just a Loud Talker. And every time she opened her mouth, it was like she was addressing me, and I wanted to respond.

"This windmill provides enough energy to power one home. Think of that, Benjamin. We could be off the grid. And it only costs $15,000."

Yes, it only costs $15,000. That means if it requires zero maintenance and lasts indefinitely, you'll pay it off in about fifteen years. And you won't need backup power, because wind is so reliable.

"I wish I knew what good movies were playing so I could recommend one for date night."

Every Oscar-nominated movie is currently playing in theatres, just like they are every January. Pick one.

Later, she started talking with the receptionist about how smart the British people thought she was because she knew how many wives Henry VIII had, because most Americans have no idea who Henry VIII was (except that he was fat). Here's a hint - people don't like to hear stories where the storyteller describes how smart he is. It makes the storyteller sound like a pompous dick, or the listener feel like an idiot. Neither one is a win.

The trifecta (to use a word everyone hates) was that not only did she think that the entire office wanted to hear what she was talking about, and that the entire office existed as a playset for her baby, she also felt that the receptionists were there to do errands for her. She asked if she could tear pages out of a magazine, and when they said no, she asked them to make photocopies of the pages. Then she asked them if she could call ahead to another business to place an order, and when they asked her the number, she said she didn't know but they could call 1-800-CALL-411 and find out, and it's a free call and they cover the entire USA and this is some magical service that exists nowhere else except for people with an Internet connection. She also asked if they could watch her youngest while she ran out to the car for a minute. They refused that request and so she had to take her son with her.

The icing on the cake was when she proudly announced, without prompting, that her family had no "technology streams" coming into the house. They had no computers or televisions (I would bet hard that they have radio, but would have some excuse ready for why that was OK). They were raising their kids without TV or computers because that's how it should be done because technology is all-pervasive and potentially destructive. I'm all for limiting kids access to TV and computers, but when this kid hits the age where he has to type essays, and he's hammering away at ten words a minute, and doesn't know how to look anything up on the Internet, he's going to be at a serious disadvantage. That's OK, because I fully expect these kids to either own their own underperforming crafts store, or bounce from low-paying office job to low-paying office job after dropping out of some liberal arts college to explore themselves.

Oh, and after railing against technology, she went on for about two minutes about how great medical technology was that we could seal molars to prevent cavities nowadays and how the Amish have terrible teeth because they don't use modern technology. WTF?

I'm not sure why I'm so enraged by a person who, in the grand scheme of things, is pretty damned benign. Maybe it's a feeling... like she's the kind of person who pulls out of a parking space and hits the side of your car, then says she doesn't carry insurance because she's a very careful driver... or the kind of person who gets seventeen separate reminders to sign her kid's permission slip but still doesn't have it when she drops the kid off for the field trip, then makes everyone on the bus wait half an hour while she drives home to get it... or the kind of person who gives out raisins on Halloween because candy is bad for kids and besides, raisins are nature's candy.

Grrrr.

In January, we moved into a new building that came complete with all of the bells and whistles that a new office building comes along with. On our floor there is a game room. It consists of a full kitchen (well, minus the stove), six big screen televisions, two Wiis, a ping-pong table, a foosball table, a pool table, a Golden Tee machine, and an Atari Arcade Classics machine.

I probably don't need to tell you that this particular room is a popular place.

I have noticed something that bother me, though. There are certain people who gravitate towards certain games. For example, the IT guys tend to play Golden Tee a lot, and there's a core group of pool players that meet over lunch. And for the most part, people don't abuse the room - you rarely see anyone in there before lunch other than standard kitchen users, and it gets most of its use at lunch and late in the day. And people keep it clean for the most part. One of the pool guys brought in the rules of pool, and they keep all of the sticks and the cue chalk nice and neat. The ping-pongers, after putting a bunch of balls into the vents, went out and bought two dozen or so and put a little collection cup out for people to help defray the cost of balls. Organic communities are forming and it's nice to see.

Then there are the interns. I don't know if it's because they're college kids, or because they're temporary employees, but they just don't give a fuck. We have two in our own group, and I can definitively say that I've never seen either of them using the game room, which is a bit of a shame, but I can also definitively say that the interns in other groups spend two hours of work time in the game room playing that fucking Wii. They brought in their own games, and if they want to treat them like shit, that's fine, but they're strewn in the corner on a table along with a GH guitar and a Mario Kart Wheel, like a three-year-old who doesn't put toys away. They don't turn the Wii or the TV off when they're done either. I've mentioned to people that I have a Wii at home, but I've also told them that I'm not bringing in any of my shit, because I have no faith that it won't end up broken.

I wasn't going to say anything about it but as it turns out my boss did. We were both leaving the game room after lunch and he said, "Have you noticed that the interns are always in here?" I mentioned that I had noticed that, but that I hadn't seen our interns in there. "Well," he replied, "That's because I gave them work to do, and if I saw them in there as often as I saw those guys, I'd know I hadn't given them enough. But they don't work for me, so I guess it's OK with whoever they work for."

What's bumming me out isn't even so much that they treat the place like a dorm room. It's that at some point they are going to wreck things for everyone else.